Your guide to gym manners: No stinking, singing or ringing

It's enough to raise Judith Martin's blood pressure.

Yes, Miss Manners - maven of all things polite and appropriate - would certainly find her heart rate rising at some of the breeches in etiquette taking place every day in suburban gyms and health clubs.

Well, gentle reader, we're here to offer our assistance or, at the very least, our two cents on the topic. We have consulted with a number of fitness experts, and what follows is a list of dos and don'ts. Some of them might seem a bit extreme - even for Miss Manners - but you'll never go wrong by being too polite. Or as Ms. Martin says, "You do not have to do everything disagreeable that you have a right to do."

In other words, you have a right to sweat, swear, grunt and be a slob. It's just that we rather you wouldn't. To that end, follow these rules and you won't go wrong. Or at the least, you won't be hit in the head with a 10-pound barbell by an angry gym rat.

No cell phones

And that means on the treadmill, in a yoga class, or in the locker room. No cell phones ANYWHERE! Really, we're not kidding here. Save those really important (not!) conversations about what a jerk your boss is or how your mother needs gallbladder surgery for a more private space.

Don't hog the machines

If you want to read the newspaper or play with your Blackberry, find a couch somewhere. The thigh abductor is not the place to peruse the help wanted ads.

Clean up after yourself

Put the heavy weights back where they belong after using them. Not everyone can lift 50 pounds over their head when you leave a stack on the Smith machine. Hard to believe, but it is really rude to leave weights on the machine when you are finished. Do you leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter or wet towels on the bathroom floor at home? We thought so. Pick those up, too.

This is a gym, not Karaoke night

Your new iPod is great. Your singing out loud at the top of your lungs is not. Yes, even when you have earphones on, we can still hear you. Not to be mean, but you are no Neil Diamond.

No one likes a chatterbox

Keep all chit chat to a minimum, especially during classes. Some people are actually there to exercise, and your incessant blabbing is distracting. Besides, if we wanted inane blathering, we would have stayed home and called mom. Oh, and do we have to tell you to keep it clean? Your fellow gym mates don't appreciate your potty mouth.

Don't raise a stink

No perfume or after shave. Yes, this is a tough one and may seem odd to those who love their scent. However, some of us would rather not inhale your Fleur Du Male while gasping for air in a step class. Also, a lot of people are allergic to scent. Yes, even that lovely and expensive fragrance you got for your birthday.

Wipe off the exercise machines after using them

This is cold and flu season for heaven's sake! Not to mention, other people's sweat is gross. (Hint: Always wipe the machines before using them, too, just in case.)

Be on time

Why is it that those arriving late for class always have the most questions? Dumb ones, at that. Let's be clear: It's rude and distracting when people come staggering in, long after the class has started. This is especially true when you are new to the class and don't know what you are doing. The rest of us know how to set up our bikes for spin or the correct form for downward facing dog. You are eating into our class time when you are simultaneously tardy and needy.

Don't get ahead of yourself

You may think you're getting bigger biceps by putting 200 pounds on the overhead press, but if you have to strain so much that you're sacrificing form, you are not making any progress. And that goes ditto for the elliptical queen. Every gym has one. She sets the elliptical on the highest setting, then hunches over the handlebars, hanging on for dear life during her hourlong workout. Honey, it's not helping you at all! Start slow, and build up. You'll thank us for it.

Share your machine if someone is waiting

We're all in this together and if you are resting between sets, offer to let someone jump in. While we're at it, offer to spot someone if they look like they need help. Remember what your mom told you about playing with others.

Don't get too personal

There are clubs where it's OK to blow dry your hair in the nude or shave in the steam room - and there are clubs where it's not so OK. In other words, some clubs are a little more rigid than others. Park districts, for the most part, tend toward the conservative, but it varies. Take a look around. If everyone is walking around with a towel on, well, you might want to cover it up, as well.

Things you should do

On a more positive note, here are a few more tips you might find helpful:

1. Ask for help, especially if you don't know how to use a mwachine.

2. Do stay hydrated.

3. Do not attempt to lift more weight than you can handle. You don't want to lose your form.

4. Be sure to warm up before you begin. Walk on the treadmill. Get your muscles warm.

5. Consider wearing a heart rate monitor so you know you are working out in the right zone.

6. Think about joining classes or hiring a personal trainer. The instructors are there to teach you how to exercise effectively and keep you motivated.

7. Check with a physician before beginning any exercise program.

8. Be sure to change up your workout. Variety equals overall improvement.

9. Remember to include the three components of fitness: Strength training, cardiovascular training and flexibility.

10. For your comfort, wear appropriate workout attire.

Experts

We consulted a variety of fitness experts on this topic. All those endorphins they release when working out every day make them a happy and polite group of people (Miss Manners would be proud!) So while they gave us dos and don'ts, they were much too well mannered to be snarky. We take all the credit for that. So special thanks to: Diane Sutherland, personal trainer and instructor for the Itasca Park District; Sue Heaton, group exercise coordinator for the Pavilion Fitness department at the Elk Grove Park District; Mark Trapp and Joshua Steckler, owners and personal fitness trainers at Push Fitness in Schaumburg, and Clint Humphreys, fitness manager at Delnor Health & Wellness Center in Geneva.