Stay or go? Decision strains relationship.
Q. I am trying to make what seems to be an impossible decision. My boyfriend and I have been together one year and nine months, but long-distance for the last 14 months. We are both 23. We are both convinced we have found our lifelong partners.
However, he has been required to take a job on the other end of the country. I have been offered a good job there as well, but moving would take me away from something I have been working toward for years, that is very, very, very important to me and has been since long before we met.
He is unwilling to continue dating long-distance for the next two years, which would be the next time we could be together, though we talk every night and visit every month or so. I need to decide in the next few weeks whether to follow him and give up this very important thing, or to stay and give him up.
The fact that I haven't decided yet is tearing us apart both as a couple and as individuals. I have talked it through with many friends, tried making lists, paid attention to my dreams, but these haven't helped.
I have no idea how to make this decision.
Agonizing
A. Ooh, ooh, I know! I think.
How does he feel about this pursuit you're finding so hard to leave behind? If he doesn't support it -- I mean really get it, not just in theory, which anyone can pull off -- then he doesn't support you, know you, love you. Certainly not enough to justify a heartrending cross-country move based on, essentially, seven months of dating.
If he does really get it and I've brought you no closer to a decision, then we still have this: You're 23. If he's right for you now, he'll be right when you're 25. You don't even have to agree to that now; it's a conclusion you can both come to independently, despite -- or even thanks to -- breaking up and starting new lives.
Q. I am 50, financially secure. I am considering marrying a man who is struggling to meet his financial obligations. For what it's worth, I don't agree with all of his financial decisions, though his intentions are good.
I am torn between taking care of myself, and embracing the notion of being a family and easing the burdens of those I love.
Financially at Risk?
A. Perhaps the biggest argument in favor of being financially secure, at least to my mind, is that it frees you to do what you want.
So if you want to marry this man, then marry him.
As long as you don't trade in your financial security to do it.
Recruit an attorney and a financial planner beforehand to help you set up a cushion to protect you against the worst case. Better yet, against the moderately bad case, or even the not-so-great case.
That is, if you really want to marry this man for the sake of the man.
If altruism factors in even slightly -- or if his bad money handling involves even the tiniest speck of bad faith -- then please find other ways to "ease the burdens" that won't tie you into legal knots. Invest both your money and happiness well.