Learning to cope with life's small, bothersome disappointments
We all know there are wonderful parts of everyday life but, of course, life also has disappointments.
These disappointments are usually not catastrophes, but bothersome nevertheless. And when bereaved, they tend to weigh more heavily because we are more vulnerable.
It may be as simple as a party that's canceled, or a telephone call expected but not received, or even a meal you prepared that did not turn out to be as appetizing as you imagined it would be.
Much worse, people can sometimes be disappointing. Not always intended, but unpleasant all the same. It could be something said, a promise not fulfilled, being excluded from some event, some other little slight. If it hits home, it just adds to one's burden of grief.
This happens even with long-term grief. As the years move on, people see you are managing OK, so it seems, and so they are less attentive, less concerned. Little do they know this is when you need to be remembered, invited, called to talk and catch up.
Many times, matters are not in the control of the offending party, but it still hurts. Often the disappointing person may not even be aware of the impact their sudden change of plans or forgetfulness has on you. So it's worth keeping that in mind and make allowances.
After all, these disappointments are not the end of the world, but many of them can't just be "swept under the rug" and ignored, either.
This may have happened to you. It certainly has happened to me. Not often, but now and then. And they sometimes tend to stick in one's memory.
An example - I was flying to visit my hometown after years of absence and arranged to meet two old friends and their husbands at a certain local restaurant for lunch. They had about a 30-minute drive to get there. My brother, Nic, went ahead in case my plane was late, but they did not show up! When I arrived, he just said, "They didn't come."
Later I called them to see what happened and found out they just changed their mind and did something else instead. Seems silly, but one of those little disappointments. It's not good to let this slip into memory.
Less odd, but still disappointing, things can happen any day. A more current example; a friend just emailed and said her refrigerator has been out for days, the gas company tore up a garden while installing a new meter, and it rained heavily on the day of her backyard outdoor ice cream social! Things happen.
What shall we do? Well, I will not suggest positive thinking as a cure. But I do think we need to build up some defenses so little disappointments don't bother us - roll with the punches so to speak.
My own approach is to make other plans, sometimes more appealing than those lost. Do something else. Or take matters in hand and call or email the forgetful party. Or as my friend did - move the ice cream social inside the house. Or speak up if someone makes an offending remark. We do need to stand up for ourselves.
The point is: As with so many challenges faced in everyday life and by those in grief, we need coping techniques. We need to manage the situation. These methods vary from one person to another. But they all involve some type of self-protection and coping.
Some people can just brush off and ignore slights and problems. But we all need to roll with the punches!
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.